Enough

Over the past few years there have been lots of trials and circumstances that have affected me greatly. Life happens and we just keep on keeping on until we can’t anymore.  In all of this I have also grown emotionally, and spiritually, but that’s the thing with trials if you let them they will help you grow more than you ever thought possible. In the storm it feels like you are sinking, that nothing good can come out of what you are going through. Anxiety and depression took hold of me over the past few years, and it felt as if I would not come back from it. 

I have dealt with depression over the years, in fact I remember thinking this is the way everyone feels. Then the black hole kept getting bigger and more debilitating. Of course I have circumstances that have affected the level of my depression, and still to this day those circumstances are not different. That’s the problem though we put our happiness and joy in our circumstances, and when we do that there will always be something to bring us down, because life is never perfect.

My anxiety stemmed from the fear of getting sick, it started small but grew with time. In fact, it began when we lived in Manitoba moving up north for my husband’s job. I became really ill during our travels while 8 months pregnant, and it traumatized me enough to change me. I believe it was because we were in a hotel, our home was all packed up, so technically I had nowhere to go – we were in the between stages of moving. After that I was never the same, my anxiety grew, it sounds silly but it only takes a small event in life to affect us if we let it. As years passed I progressively got worse about hand washing, and germs. I couldn’t even go for a night away without getting anxious, what if I got sick? I didn’t see the changes in me overtime, they just became my new normal! We try and control things, and that is exactly what I was trying to do, it’s enough to drive you crazy thinking about all the things that could make you sick. My thoughts were ”I better wash my hands I touched this and that, and that person beside me was coughing I hope I don’t get sick” and the thoughts go on.. 

Now let’s be honest, there is nothing wrong with washing your hands frequently, especially when you have three kids that are in school. They are little germ incubators, and somehow their hands are always sticky… There is also nothing wrong with not wanting to come into contact with other people who have been recently sick. One of my pet peeves is people that share their germs with everyone, but that is a whole other topic.. 

In January 2019 my depression was at its worse. Everything was horrible in my mind, I had no idea what I was going to do. I had even cancelled commitments because I didn’t have it in me to be ”present”.  But God…. one Sunday in January in my desperation touched my mind and soul like never before. I was filled with a joy I had never felt before, an indescribable peace. He filled me with the assurance that I was healed, that this was something I didn’t have to deal with anymore. Also, that I would have to be vigilant to protect my mind from going down the wrong path again, but that I would find strength in Him to fight that battle. Yes He did and still does! 

After this healing, I was so grateful that I didn’t feel that I should ask for anything else.. I think we do that though, we tend to believe that He has given us enough. However my anxiety struggle was still there with a vengeance. When we went to visit family in BC, I made myself sick with anxiety the first night of our arrival. I started thinking ”oh well I guess I will be one of those people that doesn’t travel.. It’s not so bad, at least God has healed me from my depression.” Then about 2 weeks ago before a Ladies Conference I was going to, I realized that God does not have a quota on what He can do in your life. If He could heal me from depression, why couldn’t He do that for my anxiety?  I believe that He wants us to enjoy the life He has blessed us with to the fullest. So I went to Ladies Conference expecting greater and bigger things!  AND let me tell you that is exactly what happened! He has touched and changed my life so much, today I feel less anxiety. I am able to deal with it in my mind, He has given me the tools I need to deal with it. 

I believe that when it comes to things of the mind we will always have to guard our thoughts, there will always be struggles to overcome. But He can make it possible for us to live our best life, and be the best we can be. If you are healed from a sickness, for example cancer, would you not treat your body differently after? Would you not take care of it? The battles in our mind are the same, after a healing, we are still responsible for what we let in our life and how we deal with it. If you remember though in both my depression and anxiety I had to come to a place of great desperation. This is the place where you find yourself after trying all the tricks in the book, and being fed up with the way you are living. There is no other option in your mind when you come to God at this point asking for help, it is a cry of desperation, realizing you cannot fight this battle on your own. Everyone has a different level of desperation, some people can take more or less than others. The important thing is that we realize who can fix our problems, who will give us everlasting joy, and peace. So what are you waiting for? Have you reached your limit? You don’t need to wait to reach desperation. He is there for you even when you don’t feel it, He is waiting for you to ask.

Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you

Matthew 7:7

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